State of EB

1.1 | The Why

In his book Practicing the Way, John Mark Comer asks how you run a marathon? "Do you buy a pair of Nikes, walk outside, and just try very hard to run 26.2 miles? Of course not; that's a fool's errand." You start one mile at a time, and "Over a long period of time—through training—you change; you become the kind of person for whom running 26.2 miles is hard (as it will always be hard), but it is no longer impossible."

How do boys become men? Put on a pair of Crocs and try very hard? Of course not. As Michael Gurian writes in The Purpose of Boys, we help them understand their "reason for being here as a man, at this time, on this earth." And over a long period of time—through training, practice, high expectations, and plenty of grace—we help them achieve something hard but no longer impossible: men who show up. Men who show up physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for themselves, their family, friends, and community.

Aside from the onslaught of hormones, what are boys up against? Citing a science article written well before smartphones, Eugene Cho, author of Overrated: Are We More in Love with the Idea of Changing the World Than Actually Changing the World, asserts that kids are exposed to twenty-thousand ads with the message "Life is insufficient. You are insufficient... You need more. And once [you] get more, [you'll] be happier… until [you] need more. Again."

We fight against this, citing Ted Lasso and Philosophy, by encouraging boys to actively participate in healthy communities in which "to some extent, the character of the individual will start to resemble the character of the communities they become a part of." Where boys become part of something bigger than themselves and choose to act based on their priorities rather than their insecurities.

Enter EQUIP BOYS, a community that aims to help adolescent boys feel seen, heard, and understood as they transition into healthy men.

1.2 | Origins: Part 1

In the early two-thousands, students Nick Vest and Joseph Bojang visited my career-tech school, Tulsa Technology Center, to speak about the student organization VICA—Vocational Industrial Clubs of America (now SkillsUSA). Though only a few years older, oh, they were so cool in my book! They were talking about skill competitions and leadership opportunities—Bojang was a national officer of VICA/SkillsUSA, which had about 280,000 members then. They also encouraged us to consider running for district, state, or national office. I wish I could say my teenage interest was piqued for some noble reason, but the opportunity to receive a free suitcase, say no more, I'm in!

Ironically, I ran against Nick Vest at the state level for the chance to run at the national level. And because I'm prone to getting excited about an idea then struggling to do the necessary work, I was far from prepared to succeed.

One of the tasks was reciting the organization's pledge, which they would play for the voting delegates—to see just how serious we were about representing VICA/SkillsUSA. I did not memorize the pledge; my attempt is best described as combining a train wreck and a dumpster fire. With a last name beginning with "W," my recorded attempt would play after numerous other candidates' flawless recital of a pledge that calls us to prepare ourselves by "diligent study" and "ardent practice." When mine played, the embarrassment was palpable. After reciting the pledge, we were also filmed answering an impromptu question about where we needed improvement. While all the other candidates found clever ways to turn a weakness into a strength, I said, "My pledge skills." The place lost it!

I was a nobody going up against our organization's pseudo-celebrity. I lost by only four votes!

State leadership encouraged me to run the following year. Which I did—far more prepared—and made it all the way to being elected national college/post-secondary president, leading a team of young adults and high school students as we all lead that group of 280,000 members. This was such a big deal that our newly elected Governor invited me, a nineteen-year-old, to his inaugural ball! Over the next few years, I would have access to some of the top public speaking and facilitation training (such as Dale Carnegie in Washington, DC, and Quantum Learning in San Diego). All these things have helped me travel as a youth communicator, serve as a classroom teacher and coach, as a youth pastor, and, most importantly, as a mentor.

1.3 | Origins: Part 2

In the Tulsa Tech cafeteria hung the flight deck of a Boeing 737. It was a daily inspiration while I completed my aviation maintenance and flight training. So, it was odd when my campus career counselor told me I would not retire as an airline pilot. What she saw was my desire to help people become the best versions of themselves, and, one day, life as an airline pilot would bump up against this dream I hadn't even realized was taking root.

The quick timeline: by twenty, I had knocked out a three-year maintenance program and completed three years of flight school (plus I had four years of experience working at the airport). I rolled right into an airline preparatory school and, within a year, was hired by a regional airline flying the 50-seat Bombardier CRJ-200 jet by twenty-one. Three years later, I upgraded to captain.

As for the bump—or "turbulence," haha—the career counselor saw up ahead; I was literally flying a four-day trip and then running to catch a flight to a conference to deliver a keynote address or facilitate a breakout session. The pace was unsustainable, and I knew it was time to follow other advice this counselor had offered, that sometimes we have to put a dream to sleep in pursuit of another one. A precursor to the whole "We give up things we love for things we love more."

And then I became a swim coach. That last sentence represents about a year of figuring things out after I quit a high-paying, high-potential career to pursue a new dream. However, that wicked-cool story is for another day. Just know that I accepted a part-time job for some extra cash and soon found myself across from an athletic director for a private Christian school being offered a full-time teaching and coaching job.

Many of my students lived in tough neighborhoods and lacked healthy adult support. Some struggled with traditional academic rigor, others fought to stay awake—after having worked all night to help their family put food on the table. Because I was an outsider, having not been traditionally trained as an educator, I dove into as much material as I could about teaching effectively. In short, I learned firsthand the axiom that kids don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. Without sacrificing high expectations, and by implementing concepts learned/practiced within VICA/SkillsUSA, I succeeded in the classroom and at the pool. #TeacherOfTheYear.

1.4 | Origins: Part 3

This is the moment you've been waiting for (maybe?). Occasionally, the church associated with the school invited teachers to share a message during the weekly chapel service. I'm sorry to admit, but it's generally a dull and uninspiring hour for the students. So, when I was asked, I brought my best, leaning heavily into Quantum Learning's emphasis that "everything speaks." So, if I wanted to communicate that the students mattered, I needed to bring my best. No repeating the pledge skills scandal.

It went so well—like parents calling to ask about the chapel service—that the Administration wanted more. To the chagrin of the pastoral staff, I launched Chapel on the Green. Once a month, all middle and high school students would gather in the courtyard. There'd be some worship music led by students, I'd give a message, and teachers would lead small group discussions. Walls tumbled, and meaningful conversations arose. But once a month wasn't enough to keep the momentum going.

I sat at my teacher's desk and thought about what I hoped to accomplish. I didn't just want to pass along knowledge to be regurgitated for an exam. I wanted to talk about the real struggles and anxieties the students were experiencing. This was 2012s-ish… they were digital nomads living in spaces adults didn't know existed.

Let me say that again: The students lived in spaces adults didn't know existed. Author and ethics professor Jonathan Haidt says it like this: kids encounter "overprotection in the real world and underproduction in the virtual world." This new technology seduced students to believe things would come easily, quickly, and be controllable. These digital nomads didn't need their adults discussing whether t-shirts should be tucked in on casual Friday—I wish that wasn't a real example. They needed adults to equip them during the shift from analog to digital.

Equip: Verb. To resource and prepare.

Witnessing my students' floundering firsthand, I strongly desired to provide the resources necessary to prepare them for a world that didn't fully exist. Since traditional pathways no longer guaranteed success, we'd have to employ Tulsa Tech's motto: Make your own path.

I submitted a proposal to lead a weekly Wednesday after-school gathering called EQUIP. Green-lighted by the school Administration, it thrived—even my principal started attending regularly! (If you ever see Joann Halem or Philippe Dupont commenting or "liking" posts on my Facebook, they're my former bosses/principal and headmaster, respectively.)

Over the years, EQUIP has experienced many iterations. This is possible because it's an idea more than a brand. It's this idea that we all need advocates—people to come alongside us without an agenda and love and serve us well. And that requires adaptability and the courage to shake up traditional success metrics.

2.0 | Has That Worked?

I met Beau when he was seventeen years old while I was facilitating training for SkillsUSA state officers. He was my first official mentee. We read through John Maxwell's book Becoming a Person of Influence—the main idea that the highest level of leadership is helping others achieve success greater than our own.

The mentorship followed the doing-life-together model. So, at one point, I flew him out on a flight I operated as captain to a Christmas party I was hosting for my pilot buddies. Meeting my pilot friends piqued his interest in aviation, so I scheduled him a discovery flight. And then, one day, I was waiting for the employee shuttle to the airport when I received a call from Beau. He switched his college major to professional pilot.

Beau is now an airline pilot for American Airlines (and a husband, father, and mentor)!

I met Austin while volunteering at our church's youth night; he was fifteen. We hit it off, and the mentorship flourished over the next few years. It was fun to help him believe in himself and discover a dream. As a teenager, he became a crossing guard, followed by community service aid until the big dream: acceptance to the police academy.

Austin has faithfully served Palm Beach County as a Deputy Sheriff for at least a decade. In a cool twist, he messaged me the other day with a picture of his newest badge: Investigator! (He joined Palm Beach County Fire Rescue as an arson investigator.) He also just proposed to his long-time girlfriend!

I can't remember where I met Chris, but he was a focused teen eager to become a pilot. I offered him advice, which he gladly followed. By nineteen, he started flying jets for Air Wisconsin (US Airways). He met his wife, who is also a pilot, early in the process. They both fly for major airlines and live on a sailboat in the Caribbean. On their off time, they sail the world—literally.

I met Corey at my alma mater, Tulsa Tech, while delivering a talk like Nick Vest and Joseph Bojang. He approached me after hoping to learn more about an aviation career. He was sixteen and really loved writing and playing music. He shared some of his YouTube videos with me. Uh, this kid was good! I told him I'd be more than happy to talk about a pathway in aviation, but over a few back-and-forth messages, I encouraged him to hold on to his musical dream, which his family fully supported. Later, I was able to help him perform at the SkillsUSA national conference in front of 15,000 people. But that was nothing. He soon rose to some fame on The Voice—making it all the way to the Top 8.

Most recently, for two weeks, Corey had the number-one streamed country song in the world. (His breakout song Wild as Her appears to have been played nearly 180 million times on Spotify.) He's also happily married with kids and was kind enough to invite me and my fam backstage at a recent concert!

I met Marcus at the same church youth group as Austin. He was the creative type—a knack for the theatrics. He had already dabbled in acting, playing the Punisher's son in the original Punisher movie, but had moved on as he aged through school. One day, I happened to overhear him playing the piano and singing. I expressed my encouragement and didn't think much of it throughout the mentoring. He'd eventually be cast as the lead in his giant high school's spring musical. With the momentum, a few of his notable accomplishments include being cast as a drummer in the Tom Cruise movie Rock of Ages, building a viral social media platform, and writing/producing a sell-out musical in Los Angeles. (He's also happily married with kids.)

Years later, my phone dinged. Marcus texted that I'd like his book because of a fun surprise. I caught a sneak peek of his manuscript for You Can't Do It! There are a Million Reasons You Can't—Find the Reason You Can. Unbeknownst to me, he credited me with changing "the trajectory of [his] whole life." Marcus wrote,

"Where would I be if my friend CJ hadn't encouraged me in my singing that long-ago day? Would I have tried out for the talent show? Would I have auditioned for the school's lead musical role? It probably seemed like such a small thing to him at the time—those few minutes of praise and encouragement—but it literally changed my life. Literally."

My favorite line from his book, which is humbling, is about my influence on his life to his followers…

You never know what your one little encouraging comment might do for someone.

That's EQUIP. Providing little encouraging moments that change the trajectories of lives.

2.1 | Disclaimer

I rarely share those details because I never want to overshadow their success or overstate my influence. My job was to love and serve. To do my best to see, hear, and understand them. Their job was to put in the work—and they did. Their success is theirs and theirs alone.

2.2 | Second Gen

The boys, now men, above represent the first generation of guys I've had the honor and privilege of walking alongside—to be "a guide on the side rather than a sage on the stage" (Dr. Tim Elmore).

Second Gen would be the students I mentored during the late part of my time living in Florida and Texas, and it's fun seeing them begin to experience what the First Gen has. It was also fun to fly back to Texas recently and officiate my first wedding from Second Gen! (Congrats to Ryan and Makayla!)

2.3 | So, Did It Work?

Tough question. Did the philosophy of EQUIP positively impact First and Second Gen students? I'd argue that it did because if EQUIP is really about seeing, hearing, and understanding them—about committing to a marathon—then the fact that decades later, the connection remains, I'd say yes. EQUIP worked for those who engaged.

The ironic part is that as a youth pastor, I rarely received any positive feedback from bosses or families because it's a misunderstood model. However, I'm grateful for a message from a local police detective who lived in the same Lubbock apartment complex that I did. I never knew he was watching, but that's his job right. He wrote:

God has blessed you with a tremendous ability to love on those kids and extend grace to them when others might not. I had noticed it many times when I saw y'all at the pool.

Again, in that sense, loving and serving without agenda. EQUIP is working—pre-teens and teens are being seen, heard, and understood.

3.1 | EQUIP BOYS

My Tulsa Tech career counselor is correct—thus far—that I won't retire as an airline pilot. I found a great fit serving as a medevac pilot, which provides the time and resources for me to invest in the latest iteration of EQUIP and live my purpose of helping others become the best versions of themselves.

But I can't help but feel a gut punch from Harvey Dent's quote from The Dark Knight: "You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain."

While EQUIP is neither a hero (nor villain), EQUIP has existed long enough to see itself run the risk of becoming what it stands against: being agenda-driven.

During the June all-group gathering, I had big plans to dig into the last bit of content I had developed to study our emotions. The boys weren't having it. Even attempting to use a personal flight story to set up the discussion crashed and burned. Honestly, I was frustrated and annoyed. I felt the weight of missing the mark. Of having cast these expectations to you, the parents, for the night and falling short. Most of the boys had only one objective: to talk about what was on their minds.

Wait, what? Oh.

I went into the evening with my agenda, thinking I knew best. With a drained emotional tank and an ego afraid to disappoint you all, the parents, I missed that it was about them and what they needed.

Back to "everything speaks." One of the coolest parts of the Albertson family home is the open spaces and freedom to be expressive. I mean, they've got aerial equipment in their living room! And since we could not meet in our usual location, they graciously opened this home to EQUIP BOYS.

It's a space that says to be free and expressive, and it was rather presumptuous of me to believe I could repurpose it for something other than its purpose. While there's room to shore up some of the boys' impulses, they were engaging in the space exactly as it speaks to do so… and I wish I had seen it sooner.

When I had time to decompress and sleep, I realized how beautiful the evening had been. Eight middle school boys gathered around a dinner table, ate, talked, laughed, and were present with one another for nearly an hour—with no cell phone in sight.

As you are all well aware, the boys keep a busy schedule. And what I failed to see, hear, and understand is that the boys needed a break. They needed a space that demanded nothing from them other than to eat and be present with one another. And if my memory serves me well, on the drive to EQUIP BOYS, one of the boys talked about their dream home, including a big table for their friends. (How'd I miss this?!)

Thankfully, the boys' expectations differed from mine, and they redeemed the evening.

3.2 | Boundaries

So, while the boys redeemed the night, following the evening's assessment, some updates will be helpful to ensure the boys feel seen, heard, and understood and that EQUIP BOYS thrives.

Brass tacks, implementing certain boundaries/expectations will help ensure the boys' physical safety and mental and spiritual well-being.

You should expect of me:

I safeguard the boys' physical, mental, and spiritual well-being.
I model what it means to show up and be present.
I keep my word.
If I make a mistake, I apologize.
I'm appropriately open about times I've tried things and failed.
Conversely, I'm appropriately open about times I've succeeded.

As an addendum to number 1, I know each family has different sensitivities. As for official EQUIP BOYS gathering/hangouts, I expect that:

Every child must have access to a seatbelt and utilize the seatbelt.
Posted speed limits are followed.
Clearly marked "Closed" or "No Trespassing" areas will not be accessed unless prior permission is granted.

We should expect the boys to be HEROIC (from The Purpose of Boys):

Honorable—moral boys who become men of conscience and duty.
Enterprising—diligent/hard-working boys who become men who get things done.
Responsible—boys who care about others' needs and become men of service.
Original—boys, who in all these things, don't lose themselves but become men who freely express their unique gifts.
Intimate—boys who learn to love and become men who can love another as an equal partner.
Creative—boys who dream and pursue their dreams creatively and consistently.

Here are a few things to assist in upholding boundaries/expectations; this list is not exhaustive.

1. A clearer understanding of what EQUIP BOYS is. Here's the thing: as much as I'd like to have intentional conversations at every all-group gathering, it will take some time. Science proves boys prefer shoulder-to-shoulder conversation or while tossing an object. In short, boys experience a higher oxytocin release (the bonding neurochemical) when engaged in play with an adult male.

While I will work to employ more fireside-esque moments that inspire meaningful conversation during all-group gatherings, I need to share that it is happening exactly where I knew it would: in the Jeep.

I generally do the driving and invest in small-group hangouts for the organic conversation that inevitably occurs… usually the last 10 minutes of the drive. The movie nights, cliff jumping, and trampoline park are excellent places to "play" and give the boys opportunities to have fun without everything being a teaching moment. And then, on the drive home, this is usually where EQUIP BOYS happens. They offer up their concerns and questions—which they're far more receptive to receiving coaching and advice.

In time, they'll become more receptive to the content, and I hope to share it with them. But again, as I've learned, I will be more sensitive to their needs since this is a long game—a marathon.

2. Consequences for breaking boundaries. Oof. This is a tough one. To start, the expectation or boundary must be explicitly clear and actually understood. As for the consequences, I believe in allowing the boys to help develop the repercussions so they have ownership in the process. In the future, we'll clarify what is expected of them during EQUIP BOYS, traveling, and in public. I'll include the "why" when these conversations occur and collaborate with you as parents.

3. Implementing a summer break. For June, July, and August, EQUIP BOYS will shift away from content-focused, all-group gatherings in favor of large-group and small-group hangouts. Speaking of content, expect a shift in how content is structured and delivered. I want to implement a more story-driven narrative with discussion and collaboration. It's a model I've tested with a few boys and has been more engaging.

4. Introduce serving. Soon, we'll seek opportunities for the boys to step up and invest their talents, skills, and selves into worthwhile community needs.

5. Share parent resources. Okay, so I hate to be the bearer of bad news, and hopefully, you already know this, but it's been said that what we were exposed to at nineteen, the boys have been exposed to at nine.

Often, the movies and TV they say they watch outside your homes, exposure to explicit playlists, and things they encounter via friends and social media conflict with the hard work you're putting into raising emotionally healthy men. As I become privy to their interactions with such things, unless there's imminent harm/danger, I offer the boys an appropriate level of confidentiality. However, I can provide some sources that allow me to better serve Gen Z and Gen Alpha, which you might find helpful.

1. IMDb. It's the Internet Movie Database. Literally every movie and television show is listed. Scroll down to "Parents Guide" to access the amount of "Sex & Nudity," "Violence & Gore," "Profanity," and "Frightening & Intense Scenes." I don't know who sits down and counts the 100 uses of the F word, or every time someone strips or gets their head chopped off, then reports it back, but they do! (website: imdb.com)

2. Mr. Lindsay on Instagram. If you're not on IG, his account alone is worth the follow. He's the modern Rosetta Stone for Gen Z/Alpha terminology—no cap! (IG: @mr_phlindsay_sped)

3. ChaosToContext. Actually, since you've joined IG, follow this account! They provide quick and helpful insights into middle school behavior without judgment. (IG: @chaostocontext)

4. TED Talk: Sir Ken Robinson's talk, "Do Schools Kill Creativity?" If you've got 18 minutes and want to be inspired, check out this gem—there's a reason it's got 77 million views! (Click here to watch)

Books I'm currently reading:

Raising Mentally Strong Kids: How to Combine the Power of Neuroscience with Love and Logic to Grow Confident, Kind, Responsible, and Resilient Children and Young Adults by Daniel G. Amen, MD, and Charles Fay, PhD.
Yes, Your Kid: What Parents Need to Know About Today's Teens and Sex by Debby Herbenick, PhD.

Recently read and recommended:

The Purpose of Boys: Helping Our Sons Find Meaning, Significance, and Direction in Their Lives by Michael Gurian.
Raising Emotionally Strong Boys: Tools Your Son Can Build On for Life by David Thomas, LMSW. (IG is @raisingboysandgirls)
Rethinking Sexuality: God's Design and Why It Matters by Dr. Julie Slattery and Gary Thomas.
The 5 Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans by Dr. Aliza Pressman.

Highly recommended:

That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week: Helping Disorganized and Distracted Boys Succeed in School and Life by Ana Homayoun.
The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids by Madeline Levine, PhD.
The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers: The Secret to Loving Teenagers Effectively by Gary Chapman, PhD.

My upcoming reads:

The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness by Jonathan Haidt, PsyD.
Gifted and Distractible: Understanding, Supporting, and Advocating for Your Twice Exceptional Child by Julie F. Skolnick, MA, JD.
The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart About Money by Ron Lieber.

Bonus book I'd like to read:

ADHD is Awesome: A Guide To (Mostly) Thriving With ADHD by Penn and Kim Holderness. (Follow their fun IG account here: @theholdernessfamily)

3.3 | The End

Wow! You made it this far?! Mahalo! This mini-dissertation attempts to communicate my seriousness in supporting you and your son as they become men who show up. Men put their Crocs into "sport mode" and train to run the marathon of showing up physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for themselves, their families, friends, and the community.

I also hope you better understand who I am and why I do what I do—striving to implement Mr. Roger's philosophy that you don't set out to be rich and famous. You set out to be helpful... because I genuinely desire to see the boys become the best versions of themselves and flourish as men.

-cj