I've struggled with what to write regarding chapters seven and eight. They feel so weighty because they offer you, the parent, an opportunity to communicate your values. Consider all the messages your boy hears and speak what you and your family believe about life and success. For any adult working with children, it's tempting to push children to either achieve what we have not (or did not) or to receive love, admiration, and/or respect from them in a way we might not have experienced from the adults in our lives.

One of the more visible areas in which this exists is within youth sports. I read a stat confirming a sentiment by kids and teens I know, noting, "70 percent of kids drop out of sports by 13." Why? From "fear of failure and pressure to perform from parents and coaches." Instead of youth sports being a context to learn to work as a team, overcome conflicts and challenges, and have a sense of belonging, kids report that sports are, to paraphrase, "steeped in too much pressure to win, focused on performance and comparison, and generally no longer fun." As such, kids retreat to games like Fortnite because "it's the one place adults can't interfere, control, or critique." It's the new "sandlot," a place "where they can find autonomy and connection."

So, when I read the line in our book study, "Being a high performer doesn't automatically make you a high achiever," it gave me pause. Again, this is weighty because, as adults who desire to lead these boys well, it seems like a fine line between inspiring them to leave their comfort zone without living in the chaos zone. And to do that takes a clear understanding of what matters most. To you. And to them. It's the whole being an "ally in the journey ahead." And while chapter 8 focuses on making changes, there is value in redefining what many of us were taught about being a thriving teen.

A guy named Coach Will offers the old mindset that the perfect teen—as if there's such a thing—"gets perfect grades; plays multiple sports; is friends with everyone; doesn't make mistakes or get in trouble; doesn't play video games or scroll continuously; never procrastinates; has their future planned out." Coach Will offers an alternative. A successful teen "loves other people; has strong character, morals, and values; manages their emotions decently well; is a trustworthy friend; treats people well, in person and online; occasionally tries new things; loves their family and themselves; and encourages and lifts others up."

If I had anything to offer in all this, boys inevitably (dare I say biologically) desire to rise up the social status ladder. It could look like wanting to be wealthy, strong, powerful, influential, etc. However, a pursuit of these things void of character development, emotional regulation, and purpose will leave them unfulfilled upon achieving any measure of such success. They will be stuck in playing the part of a high performer, their identity and worth wrapped up in what others believe about them. Yet, if they can see such things as wealth, power, strength, and influence as means to an end, therein lies the opportunity for real achievement.

So, before completing the questions below, I'd recommend setting aside time, maybe over their favorite drink or snack, and offering the following:

1. Consider sharing things that felt uncomfortable to you when you were their age. Consider sharing times when you stepped out of your comfort zone.
2. Talk about what felt like chaos as a teen, but even now, when you know you're operating in the chaos zone.
3. Ask for their advice. Say something like, "If we were friends back then, what might you have said to get me out of my comfort zone?" Or ask them how they'd advise you when you were stuck in the chaos zone?"
4. Talk about your family's history and values and why you feel they are necessary to learn and uphold. Consider asking if any seem old and outdated or if new ones need to be added.
5. Talk about the things you've achieved, why it mattered, and what you still want to achieve.

Real quick, before the Talk It Over questions, here's a progress chart just in case you're curious of your progress. Shootz!